15 minutes of heaven

On my lunch break, I decide to take a drive down to the mall to get a chair massage
Because my shoulder, neck, and arm are acting up again.

Yep, that’s right, in the middle of the mall, there’s a store where you can get your massage on

You can choose from their menu:

Chair massage
12 minutes - $15
15 minutes - $17
24 minutes - $24

Foot Massage
5 minutes - $5
12 minutes - $15
30 minutes - $30

Bed Massage
30 mins - $30
60 mins - $60

Now mind you I’m on a lunch break, so I go for the 15 minutes of heaven.

You sit down in this contraption chair
And place your face in the hole.

The girl ties my hair up,
Well she tries anyway while rubber band after rubber band breaks.
And I’m thinking to myself, I hope this isn’t cutting into my 15 minutes of heaven.

Then she begins.

She lightly massages my shoulders
Up my spine
To my neck

Then she gets in good, with the elblows
On one side of the shoulders, and the knots I have aint no joke.
They’re popping and cracking and she grinds her elbow in
I can hear her huffing and puffing.

She’s yelling at her co-workers in her language (kinda like when you're getting your nails did)
and I can only imagine what she’s saying
“What the hell is wrong with this lady”
“She must be smoking crack if she thinks this 15 mins is gonna relieve her pain”

Well ma'am, my insurance doesn’t cover massages, so you’re my only hope
But we won’t get into that!

And again I’m thinking, isn’t this place called Relaxation Stop?
Why are you and your people yelling at each other anyway?
Why are the people in the corner waiting for their friend discussing all forms of Herbalife?
Your friend probably tried to duck into this place to get away from your non stop talking asses.
But you followed her in here and won't shut up!
Doesn’t anyone realize this place is called Relaxation Stop for crying out loud??!!

I’m trying to enjoy my 15 minutes of heaven.

Back to the massage…
She takes my arm in this Figure 4 lock, you remember from the old WWF days.
And locks it in behind my back, while she again digs her elbow in my shoulder muscles.
Then along my spine.

Now I’m thinking, this has definetly gone over the 15 minutes
And she hasn’t even moved on to the other side.

What if my time is up?
what’s she gonna do?
Is she gonna kick me out of the chair?
The other side hurts more!

Well thank goodness, on she moves to the other side.

And again with the popping and cracking of my muscles as she massages
and does her elbow grinds
then the Figure 4 arm lock
with the additional elbow grinds.

After that she proceeds to dot my back with this ointment from her magic green bottle.
I can smell the menthol (reminds me of grandma's salonpas)
and she rubs it in
one side then the next
then works it in with the forearm
along the muscle
But I do notice that she can't decide whether to massage under the shirt (cause it's a scoopback)
or on top of the shirt
Then her cleverness decides to pull my shirt up over the ointment and massage
and here I go thinking again...
Ummm...doesn't she realize this is my new shirt for vacation?
She better not be getting my brand new "silk" shirt full of stains
and she rubs and rubs the ointment in with MY NEW SHIRT!
I begin to imagine walking outta here smelling like an asian massage parlor
with ointment stains along the back of my shirt.

Now you know you’re just about done when the start to slap the crap out of your back.
All along, up and down

That’s when I realize that my face is so far in this little hole that my lips are starting to tingle and I might just be cutting off any circulation.

So I wiggle my pinkie, and yes, it’s tingling too.
I’m thinking, great, I’ve cut off circulation to my whole body with my head in this contraption.

I’m also thinking, I’ve gone over my 15 minutes, how much is she gonna charge me now?

I look up and yes, 25 minutes has passed!
Yikes!!

Wasn’t this relaxing?!
I mean I know I certainly described it as relaxing!

She rings me up $17, plus $3 tip,
ahhhh...
that was relaxing!!


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