I'm too sexy...

Do you ever have one of those days when walk out the door for work
thinking, hey, I'm looking pretty fly
(this song is playing like a record in your head, I'm too sexy)
You’ve got on a cute top like this…

A pair of well fitted jeans
And your newest and most gorgeous pair of pumps

You know, just a little something you threw together as you flew out the door
(as I do my little turn on the catwalk)

Only to realize that…
Maybe you shouldn’t have stayed up until 1am drinking that wine and nibbling on crackers
because now your pants are too tight
and you wanna throw up from the pressure everytime you sit down
You have to unbutton your pants and pull that girdle down over your button
And you have to be thankful that your gorgeous top is long and flowy
Helping you to conceal what is potentially billowing over underneath it
(but on it still plays...i'm too sexy for my pants)
Thinking…ok, noone can tell, still pretty fly…

That is until you go to lunch and decide you wanna go shopping
You walk around the shopping center in your amazing pumps
Reasoning with yourself that the ladies in NY pound the pavement in 5 inch pumps
so certainly you can too
But as you’re on your way to the little Japanese spot to pick up your spicy tuna salad
(even though you really wanted the noodle plate, your unbuttoned pants are reminding you that you cannot afford to eat the noodles)
You remember that one foot is bigger than the other
And now your right foot is slipping out of your shoe every time you take a step
And you feel that bunion on your left foot throbbing (yeah you forgot about that too)
It feels like you’re walking a little funny but you think it’s all in your head…
(I'm too sexy for japan)

Until…
You go to that meeting full of the execs later in the day and
As you’re walking down the hallway
One of them asks you why you’re limping?
(on it plays as I do my little turn on the catwalk but now it's sounding a little warped)

And then…
You receive a text from your daughter while you’re in that meeting explaining that her school is on lockdown and she’s not sure when she’s going to be let out.
So you rush out of the meeting to call the school and they confirm that the police have put the school on lock down but don’t bother coming because they do not know how long it will last
And you go into the bathroom and cry as you freak out

You walk out to a hallway full of execs that have just exited the meeting
and now your eyes are red and puffy
Your nose is as bright as rudolph’s
Your bunion is throbbing
You’re limping
You’re tugging on your shirt in hopes that noone knows your pants are undone

(so sexy, it HURTS!)

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